Currently I’m at a place where I want to improve myself, but I lack the energy to do so. I honestly find it really hard to get up early in the morning, work and exercise. At the same time I really want to change right now, but at the same time I’d rather change tomorrow. From experience this state doesn’t last forever, but I don’t want to wait for my motivation to come as I really want to change myself right now. This is also the reason I’m writing a blog about it, because I know that writing and planning to get better usually increases my motivation.
All growth passes through three stages. First, you’ll be ridiculed. Second, your efforts will meet with serious opposition. Third, you’ll be accepted as the new person you’ve become. Do they really need to though?
About a month ago I found this site (https://www.16personalities.com/) which has a really simple and fast, yet accurate, personality type test. First I dismissed the test as ‘just another mediocre personality test’ as I only saw my results in numbers—e.g. I was 68% introverted. This didn’t tell me anything new and I closed the site. Later that day a friend started talking about the same site and how closely they profile matched their values.
Last week concluded my first three month project—my new work routine where I work no more than three month in a row then have 1 month break. Albeit its name ‘three month project’ this project was only 6 weeks long; still, I want to assess what worked and what didn’t work. In essence this post is a review of the three month project work routine.
As the semester grows closer to its end I feel like I lack structure on how my days should be structured. In the previous article I figured out and decided what I wanted to do each day, but not how the days should be structured.
In this post I will try to figure out 1) why I want to work; 2) Why do I want to work in a certain field; 3) What fields?; 4) What do I want to work with in this field?; 5) Why would I want that; 6) How I want to work; 7) Why do I want to work like that; 8) What freedoms do I want to have, i.e. what should I be able to do in the future?
Almost a year ago I wrote Sharing Your Fears where I listed some of my fears. It was meant to be a reminder for me to actually face my fears. Truth be told I haven’t really faced my fears since then. I’ve been living too comfortable, I haven’t felt the need to face many fears, sure I’ve wanted it, but I’ve had a too good life—i.e. I haven’t been frustrated enough by my fears and still aren’t but I’m frustrated about something else, or maybe not frustrated. I haven’t really challenged myself in the past year, I have been challenged by other experiences but I haven’t challenged myself.
Although I’ve seen myself as poly for 2 years now I still haven’t had more than one partner at the same time. On some days, like today, I feel frustrated by this. Why? Because it feels like most of the other poly people I know have at least 2 partners. Hmm… I’m not really sure what I mean with partner so I’ll guess I have to start finding my own definition before I can answer why I’m frustrated.
I have this longing of getting to know people at a really deep level, more than the one person I’m currently in love with.
It’s hard, so hard though, to speak my thought when I’m sitting next to you [anyone]. I don’t want to open myself. My inner heart is sealed, a turtle shell with spikes on the outside, like the blue shell in Mario Kart. I wish there was some sort of magic spell that could open my shell. But there is, there are two spells; when you open up first or when you ask me those personal questions the shell opens up and out comes words… precious words.
In September my social circle expanded quite a lot. During this month I found myself with more energy than before, but I was also more exhausted. To sum everything up I moved from one apartment into a student corridor (shared with 6 other people) and I started studying instead of just working on my own. It’s quite obvious that my social circle expanded due to those two things, but I’ve also taken more initiative talking to people and doing stuff 🙂 To my thoughts…