As the semester grows closer to its end I feel like I lack structure on how my days should be structured. In the previous article I figured out and decided what I wanted to do each day, but not how the days should be structured.
In this post I will try to figure out 1) why I want to work; 2) Why do I want to work in a certain field; 3) What fields?; 4) What do I want to work with in this field?; 5) Why would I want that; 6) How I want to work; 7) Why do I want to work like that; 8) What freedoms do I want to have, i.e. what should I be able to do in the future?
Almost a year ago I wrote Sharing Your Fears where I listed some of my fears. It was meant to be a reminder for me to actually face my fears. Truth be told I haven’t really faced my fears since then. I’ve been living too comfortable, I haven’t felt the need to face many fears, sure I’ve wanted it, but I’ve had a too good life—i.e. I haven’t been frustrated enough by my fears and still aren’t but I’m frustrated about something else, or maybe not frustrated. I haven’t really challenged myself in the past year, I have been challenged by other experiences but I haven’t challenged myself.
Although I’ve seen myself as poly for 2 years now I still haven’t had more than one partner at the same time. On some days, like today, I feel frustrated by this. Why? Because it feels like most of the other poly people I know have at least 2 partners. Hmm… I’m not really sure what I mean with partner so I’ll guess I have to start finding my own definition before I can answer why I’m frustrated.
I have this longing of getting to know people at a really deep level, more than the one person I’m currently in love with.
It’s hard, so hard though, to speak my thought when I’m sitting next to you [anyone]. I don’t want to open myself. My inner heart is sealed, a turtle shell with spikes on the outside, like the blue shell in Mario Kart. I wish there was some sort of magic spell that could open my shell. But there is, there are two spells; when you open up first or when you ask me those personal questions the shell opens up and out comes words… precious words.
In September my social circle expanded quite a lot. During this month I found myself with more energy than before, but I was also more exhausted. To sum everything up I moved from one apartment into a student corridor (shared with 6 other people) and I started studying instead of just working on my own. It’s quite obvious that my social circle expanded due to those two things, but I’ve also taken more initiative talking to people and doing stuff 🙂 To my thoughts…
After watching this talk about inventing on a principle I started thinking on what kind of core principles I have that I live by, or try to live by. The talk isn’t really about core principles, rather it’s about finding your calling in life. This in itself is something worth discussing, but currently I’m more inspired to write and discover my own core principles. 🙂 So what do I really mean by core principles? To me it’s a set of rules that I strive to follow and uphold regardless of what. If I break any of these principles my self-esteem takes a toll, I […]
Do you have one habit or belief that greatly limits your actions? My habit is rising early from bed, or rather not rising early from bed. Some days and weeks everything goes well, others days I can sleep until 11am on workdays and even longer on weekends. I’ve been working on solutions for 6 years now and I’m starting to doubt there is a permanent solution to this problem; whenever I come up with one strategy the mind comes up with a counter-strategy, stupid mind (or intelligent). Sometimes I’ve thrown in the towel, but after a week or two I get tired of not […]
Before 8th of March 2014 I didn’t know, and in fact didn’t believe you could be “fully” present. How wrong I was… Lets back up one day. I’m driving in my car from Lund towards Södertuna Slott (Castle) located just outside Gnesta, about an hour south-west from Stockholm. The weather is warm, the sun is out and you can feel the leaves could spring from the trees at any moment. As I sit in my car driving for 4 hours and still 2 hours to go I started wondering what the weekend would be like. As you might have guessed by […]
How often do you share your fears? Quite recently (February and March) I only shared a few of my fears to a partner. I thought that if I’d share my inner-most fears they would certainly come true, which in itself is a fear now that I think of it. A fear I had was telling another person I might had developed some feelings for them, I say might because I was unsure since it was a weird and not recognizable feeling. I feared that if I shared this with them they wouldn’t want to hang around with me any longer. The previous […]